Article help from the following Source: Building Blocks to a Healthy Relationship (Numbers Paragraph is taken from Psychology Today, the rest is my commentary)
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Homework for this article do this test before you read the rest:
What is your Love Language
VictoriaJoy:
Everyone wonders probably or thoughts that go through their head but, living with "Expectation" is something that will change your world. When we expect things to happen they do for this becomes the bedrock or foundation to a solid relationship or marriage. Key components are critical to addressees for any relationship it sets the tone and the trajectory of your union as one. Its in our learning experiences that dictate the direction of a relationship good, bad, or indifferent. The one we settle down with essentially will be our soul mate. We spend many months or years of our lives to find this person that just understands in seconds. Many relationships are missing key components and end after a couple of years because they do not execute these seven values.
1. Trust. Our first essential task, according to Erickson’s theory of the psychosocial stages of life, involves trust versus mistrust. It should be no
VictoriaJoy: When we are with the right one we have an open dialogue that allows us to have a checks and balance to the relationship. One mistake people often make is for one to have to know what one is doing 24/7 this will destroy a relationship or marriage. In addition, to that they have to know who your with. These both are signs of lack of trust and will end to a failed relationship. In my personal relationships if they cannot trust I have common sense about my day and what I'm doing it's not going to work. We shouldn't have to question anything about a relationship if we have 100 percent trust in that individual. Asking two many Ws will lead to a destruction of divorce, and failed relationship. We must then Love the one were with and Love them enough to let them build their autonomy of trust with each other.
2. Commitment. Once trust is established, our focus shifts to a
VictoriaJoy
This step will be like riding a bike if you are in 100% same page with your partner its something so special that will make your relationship or marriage be on fire forever. When you are committed to the one you love you engage in incredible conversations, take on the world together, and sail to any port without turbulence. Others who don't experience this in their relationship will try to break down that barrier of commitment and it usually leads then to someone having an affair on the relationship or marriage.
3. Intimacy. This means that we care enough and are comfortable enough to share all aspects of ourselves. We feel the desire to open our soul to someone who cares enough about us to understand and support us fully in most everything we do. Intimacy implies vulnerability: We are willing to show parts of ourselves we are not so sure about — our weaknesses, our neuroses, and the things we like least about ourselves. We feel down deep that the ones we choose to have in our lives know us and accept us,
VictoriaJoy:
In other words, baring our soul to another to open up to them in a way we wouldn't with the mainstream of society. Sharing detail about our emotional connection we have with each other to see the essences of one's soul in another. This is something you only share with your partner and it builds to a harmonious relationship because you can go deep into conversation with this person like that you cannot with anyone else. Sharing the intentions of your mind, body, and soul with them is a layer to you that most will never know. We keep private information private for a reason as it opens us up to be vulnerably given the information is very sensitive. Only few will every experience this at its fullest as the bedrock of trust has to be established for this to happen. When this is lost in a relationship you just talk about surface things, you will have a blah relationship with out any sense of fire and passion, it simply won't exist and you will become board.
4. Respect. The word literally means “regard,” or “to look back at.” Interesting, since most of us would probably say that respect has come to mean a kind of veneration—having a deep reverence for someone or something. And certainly, those with whom we are most intimate deserve this, as do we. But the origin of the word shows us something very different. When it comes to an intimate relationship, it’s about the mutual mirroring of emotions, feelings, and beliefs. Respect says, “What I see in you I hold as just as important as what I see in myself.”
VictoriaJoy:
Respect, is something that you truly need, and should desire in a relationship or marriage. It puts you on a level playing field in everything you do. When we respect we acknowledge that persons identity, beliefs, and personality as they are. We may agree to disagree but, respect them through the process of conversation. Now, when it comes to big ticket topics like; Religion, Politics, and Existence it might be determined that a partner isn't suitable for us and we have no respect for what they are saying. This usually ends in a breakup situation because of the non agreement of definition. If you can agree on Politics, Religion, and Existence you will know you have made it through the test of times for a relationship to function.
5. Communication. This can mean any kind of transmission between people, including non-verbal. We are all too familiar with times when our communication seems to be at cross-purposes. People are talking, but not really listening; their own agenda is far too important to include someone else’s. Good communication is facilitated by trust, commitment, and respect. We communicate in a healthy relationship for a common purpose; which also, by the way, is what the word actually means. We are trying to express how we feel and what we believe in, and we need to do so in an environment which is safe, supportive, accepting, and loving; one that is totally free of judgment, criticism, alienation, and anguish.
VictoriaJoy:
In relationships we find ourselves to create an identity to establish social norms, and find a way to articulate our thoughts, ideas, being, and reasoning. Its critical to establish a form of communication that works for each other. By finding out your communication style it will build intimacy in your relationship and have it become more meaning full as you share the open line of communication. You may want to invest in the book by Gary Chapman, "The Five Love Languages", I had the opportunity to see him in person and, share my love language that of a tie of three. Mine are: Words of Affirmation, Giving Gifts, and Touch. They all three had an equal tie. If my partners love language is service it probably wouldn't be a good match with us. When you find someone who share's your love language you will excel in your relationship and have dynamic central force for intimacy. Source:The Five Love Languages
6. Empathy. In essence, empathy means being able to feel and understand, as well as anyone can feel and understand anyone other than themselves. And it means being able to walk in someone else’s shoes. Once you intimately understand and experience another, the ability to feel what they feel (as close to the way they actually feel it), to know what they’re thinking (almost reading their mind), and to understand how they process what is happening to them becomes easier.
VictoriaJoy: Being able to put yourself in your partners shoes is important because it allows you to feel what they feel. People who lack emotion or sense of self are dangerous types to get involved with. Being able to not have any spoken word but an understanding without a lot of explanation is a form of empathy. Sometimes you just may say one word and your counterpart will be able to understand what you are going through. At other times perhaps its a key phrase. For example, "I"m sick of the bullshiht" at work or life.
When they can understand your emotion they then have a better judgement on what to react and do.
7. Equality. The “division of labor” may vary during the course of any relationship, but equality here implies that each partner carries the same weight; each has a “vote” in decision-making about such essential things as the values you live by, and establishing a quality of life in sync with the ideals and beliefs of each partner. No partner should ever overshadow the other; each should learn to practice flexibility and compromise.
VictoriaJoy:
In all relationships we must find ourselves first automatons with the relationship but come together in a union of understanding of shared responsibility. When it comes to finance one person usually does this or, both could do inventory of expenses and, then have one cut the checks for finances of bills. When you communicate what your spending in relationship to the financial needs of the home you will have a better relationship and marriage. Some people have joint accounts for the mere purpose not to become dependent on the other. They simply earn their wage and then equally contribute based of what they make for the bills. When their are informed decisions to be made about the home its good that each person is able to communicate their goals and expectations to another. Many divorces end in bad judgement that could of been resolved if they would of let their partner have some autonomy. Independence is good as it shows a level of self achievement that you get to share with each other. Take time to understand what is important, what the future looks like, and the basic needs of each other to make a home work.
